Loneliness - The Story of My Life

You know those families that talk about everything in life. The ones that actually have relationships with one another.
That's not mine.
Growing up, I was taught, intentionally or unintentionally, to not show your emotions.
Don't talk about your problems.
Don't let people know that you have so much pain in your life.
Don't ever let people in.
Because if you do, they won't accept you.
So here I am now....21 years old in my "prime" years of life. And I find myself struggling to find a purpose.
I find myself not being accepted. Not because I let people in to my life and expressed how I felt. But because I didn't. I look around and find all of these people in relationship with one another. Praying with each other. Crying with one another. And then I see myself.
Alone
Empty
Thirsting for that kind of relationship.
Begging God to just bring someone into my life...anyone at all...that would recognize my hurt, my wounds, my frustrations. Someone that I could have a real relationship with.

I find myself just wandering around life, wanting to express all of these feelings but not knowing how. I know that if I can just let out my anger, my pain, my sadness that there has to be a way this could get better. But I don't know how.

So this blog is one step in the right direction. One small step for me to actually express my feelings. One small step for me to be able to talk about my hurts.
This is just a small step towards me being able to accept myself and accept the fact that I am forgiven and I am loved by my Father.

There is no condemnation in You...

Forgiven and Loved - Jimmy Needham
Tell me I’m forgiven and loved 
‘Cause I hear it from the street corner priests 
On how God is love and how man can be clean 
But my joy has been on holiday 
And my peace has almost passed away 
Tell me I’m forgiven and free 

O I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation 
But I bought the lie I still have work to do 
Now I’m working nine to five like I can earn my own salvation 
But there is no condemnation in You 

O whisper to me now that it’s for real 
‘Cause in the silence of these walls righteousness lost its appeal 
Dirty deeds have done me in 
O but that can’t stop the faithful friend 
Giving mercy once again as You heal 
Here it is I’m feeling it 

O He died, He died to rectify my hopeless situation 
And His blood commands my guilt to leave 
Now on Calvary I stand 
Empty pockets, open hands 
O there is no condemnation for me 

Child, you’re forgiven and loved 
Child, you’re forgiven and loved 
Child, you’re forgiven 
And child, you are loved 
Child, you’re forgiven and loved 


It's amazing to me how God can use the simplest songs to get the point across to you with the exact words you've been needing to hear. The thoughts constantly invade my mind that I am not good enough and that I don't deserve the love of my Father. Satan is constantly bringing me back to those moments in my life when I have screwed up so badly. I can hear him screaming, "look at what you've done...how can anyone love you".
But as I sit hear listening to my iTunes and songs like this one pop on, I am given a sense of peace in knowing that my past is behind me and I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. The past is my past...and a new life has begun. I am learning that I am forgiven and I am loved by the Almighty God...the Creator of the Universe.